


Shurikens and Week-Old Soda

by ligmaoutbreak



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Genji Shimada is a Little Shit, M/M, Trans Angela "Mercy" Ziegler, bapcio, everyone is gay except doomfist, everyone's a meme and hanzo is clueless, gency is a chaotic couple, jack just cannot stop saying fuck, mccree and hanzo like pda
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2019-12-25 13:43:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18262487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ligmaoutbreak/pseuds/ligmaoutbreak
Summary: Angela Ziegler @valiantvalkyrieAnd here we see the wild hanzo shimada as his perfect grammar and punctuation begin to deteriorate like the rest of ours didHanzo Shimada @tackymacncheeseNO SERIOUSLY WHATS THE ILLUMINATIBrigitte L. @brigyeeteits like ligmaHanzo Shimada @tackymacncheesewhat’s ligmaBrigitte L. @brigyeeteligma balls





	1. Chapter 1

Saturday, June 26

 

_ @madamadamf, @cantnerfthis, @itshighfuck, @tackymacncheese, @yougottinnitus, @valiantvalkyrie, @grillmaster76, @scimonkey, @icicletricycle, @brigyeete, @baptiddy, @imalreadytracer, and @anacabana have been added to the chat. _

 

3:07 PM

 

**Reinhardt W.** @knighthammer

Welcome, friends!

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

i can tell you right off the bat that this is, frankly, a horrible idea

 

**Reinhardt W.** @knighthammer

what do you mean?

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

holy shit it actually happened what the fuck?? @cantnerfthis you were serious?   
  


**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis   
WHAT THE FUCK I WAS JOKING

 

**Jack M.** @grillmaster76

language, shitheads

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

jack do you hear yourself, like, when you speak?

 

**Jack M.** @grillmaster76

fuck

 

**Jack M.** @grillmaster76

I MEAN FRICK

 

**Ana** @anacabana

Just accept your defeat jack its okay

 

**Jack M.** @grillmaster76

im faking my death again screw this

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

First of all, what is this mess? Second of all, i want out.

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

i wouldn’t speak too soon, this might be entertaining

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

Or it could be the final nail in my phone’s coffin, there’s that too.

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

sadly you make a great point

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

I do specialize in great points

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

okay mr cult leader, if you dont leave in the next week ill buy you a cake

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

It’s a clan, which you were in too, however i will take the cake deal.

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

great! im glad you left the illuminati to join overwatch

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

For the last time, what the FUCK is the illuminati

 

**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis

im actually dying he doesn’t know??

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighnoon

nope! but dont tell him cause this is gold lmao

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

i thought we were friends what the hell??

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

And here we see the wild hanzo shimada as his perfect grammar and punctuation begin to deteriorate like the rest of ours did

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

NO SERIOUSLY WHATS THE ILLUMINATI

 

**Brigitte L.** @brigyeete

its like ligma

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

what’s ligma

 

**Brigitte L.** @brigyeete

ligma balls

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

OH MY GOD IM FUCKIGNFDK

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

ive taught you well

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

i cant believe it you got him

 

_ @tackymacncheese has left the group. _

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

IFDSKGNDFGKJGFD NOOOO

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

IM GONNA CRY LMAOOOO

 

_ @tackymacncheese has been added to the group. _

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

I hate you all.

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

love you too, hanzo!

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

also, you lost the cake bet

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

SON OF A FUCK

  
  


6:52 PM

 

**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis

i need to know if the krabby patty secret ingredient is crabs

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

why the hell would it be crabs Mr krabs is a crab

 

**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis

you don't know the kind of shit he's into

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

sure but that's all kinds of fucked up

 

**Lena O.** @imalreadytracer

CRABS???

 

**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis

yes can't you read

 

**Lena O.** @imalreadytracer

i

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

@yougottinnitus we need your help

 

**Lucio** @yougottinnitus

oh god

 

**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis

The Secret Ingredient Is Crab

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

NO THE FUCK ITS NOT

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

my phone is blowing up

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

ok if the krabby patties are crab what the shit is happening at the chum bucket

 

**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis

chum burgers. Duh

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

e

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

ew

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

waitwaitwait guys consider

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

??

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

The reason krabby patties are so good is because they're cooked with heroin

 

**Lucio** @yougottinnitus

holy shit

 

**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis

OH MY GOD

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

JSKSJSSLSJHDDKD

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

AKAJDJDKAHKF

 

**Lucio** @yougottinnitus

hEROIN PATTIES

 

**Lucio** @yougottinnitus

heroin patties definitely win

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck   
YES TAKE THAT HANA

 

**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis   
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

the evil is defeated :)

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

okay but i still think :) is threatening

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

No its not!

 

**Lucio** @yougottinnitus

guys we arent going to get into smiley face discourse again shhhhhh

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

you cant stop us :)

 

**Lucio** @yougottinnitus

i

  
  
  



	2. chapter two

Sunday, June 27

 

1:24 PM

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

*guns cock* you’re not taking my lunch money today, bitches

 

**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis   
IM FUCJHGFDJKNGL DYIN G

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

DSJKGHKDFJGDFKJGHDF GUNS COCK I

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

this is surprisingly not the worst thing youve ever sent

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

once he sent me a message that just said ‘a clownboy (clown cowboy) says yeehonk’ and I blocked him for 20 minutes

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

i

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

i also sent him yeethaw

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

i am this close to blocking you genji

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

AKAJDJSKS PLEASE DONT

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

you gotta hawyee through it

 

_ @itshighfuck sent a screenshot. _

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

yall hear smth?

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

NOOOOOOOOOO

 

**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis

press f to pay respects

 

**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis

F

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

F

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

f

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

F

 

**Lucio** @yougottinnitus

f

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

oh my god frog dude is alive

 

**Lucio** @yougottinnitus

frog dude? Excuse me its mr frog dude the seventeenth to you >:(

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

JAKSJSKEKSJSKD

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

‘@itshighfuck sent you a friend request’ how much are you gonna pay me to accept that

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

I WAS KIDDING PLEASE

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

>:(

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

fine we arent going to play rocket league tomorrow then

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

hey i didnt need to be threatened im deleting you from my friends list again

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck   
WAIT NO

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

the first thing you have to know about genji is that he hasnt blocked anyone except dad bot and hes not even in this chat

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

I can confirm

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

Why do i even tell you guys my secrets if youre just gonna tell them to everyone smh

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

youre trapped you cannot escape my friendship

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

oh god

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

owo

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

b u r n it

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

uwu 

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

I regret to inform you that you have caught ligma. get well soon

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

LMAO

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

could have been worse i could have caught upjesse

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

whats upjesse

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

Nothing much how about you

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

I

 

_ @madamadamf has left the chat. _

 

**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis

bazinga

 

_ @cantnerfthis has been kicked from the chat. _

 

**Lena O.** @imalreadytracer

wow a double kill impressive

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

I guess no one told them life was gonna be this way (clap clap clap clap)

 

_ @itshighfuck has been kicked from the chat. _

 

**Lena O.** @imalreadytracer

triple kill*

 

@madamadamf, @cantnerfthis, and @itshighfuck have been invited to the chat.

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

okay first of all what the fuck

 

**Hana S.** @cantnerfthis

yeah I deserved that

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

I cant believe i got oofed

 

**Mei** @icicletricycle

to help save Hana Jesse and genji give me your credit card number and the four digits on the back

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

perish

 

**Mei** @icicletricycle

AKSJEKSKWBKSRJ

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

all we need is your social security number

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

jqjajskssjdjkekjed

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

it's gay rights babey

 

**Angela Ziegler** @valiantvalkyrie

I leave for two seconds to get cake and three people get kicked

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

not my fault

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

doubt

 

5:52 PM

 

**Jack M.** @grillmaster76

Guys i think someone broke into the base, i hear noises coming from the kitchen

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

dad, i assure you that is either my brother eating cookies or hana collecting more soda

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

i have no time to waste for pointless frivolities such as cookies

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

it sure wasn’t pointless when jesse made cookies and half the cookie jar disappeared overnight, hmm?

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

genji i swear to god

 

**Jesse McCree** @itshighfuck

AWWWW YOU DO LIKE MY COOKIES AFTER ALL!

 

**Hanzo Shimada** @tackymacncheese

OH SHIT ABORT MISSION

 

**Genji Shimada** @madamadamf

LMAOOO


End file.
